Two police officers, Simmons and the narrator, engage in a competition to see who can make the most arrests by the end of the night to win a $20,000 Christmas bonus. Throughout the night, Simmons and the narrator arrest various individuals for absurd and trivial reasons, including parking in the road, having Diet Coke, and drawing "boobies" on a sketch. In the end, Lieutenant Cuddlesworth is revealed to be the winner, having made 15 arrests, but Simmons and the narrator decide to steal the money from him since he is a dog and won't need it.
Here are the key facts extracted from the text:
1. A police officer is trying to make as many arrests as possible to win a $20,000 Christmas bonus.
2. The officer is competing with another officer, Simmons, to make the most arrests.
3. The officer arrests a man for parking his car in the road.
4. The officer also arrests a man for drinking Diet Coke, which he claims is a Schedule 2 drug.
5. A character named Marvin is arrested for having a medical marijuana card.
6. A character named Canada Dry is arrested for not having U.S. citizenship papers.
7. The officer arrests a man for having a Nerf gun without a permit.
8. The officer arrests multiple people for participating in a game involving a Nerf gun.
9. A character named Jeffy is arrested for riding an imaginary pony.
10. The officer arrests a man for stabbing a cereal box.
11. A character named Doodle Ass is accused of not washing his hands before handling food at a restaurant.
12. A character named Stank Breath is accused of stealing toothbrushes from a dentist's office.
13. A character named Pookie is accused of mailing letters without stamps.
14. A character named Stephen is accused of dressing up in camouflage and claiming military discounts.
15. The officer arrests a man for indecent exposure because he is naked in public.
16. Simmons is arrested for indecent exposure.
17. The officer and Simmons get into an argument over who has made the most arrests.
18. Lieutenant Cuddlesworth is declared the winner of the competition with 15 arrests.
19. Lieutenant Cuddlesworth wins the $20,000 Christmas bonus.
20. The officer and Simmons decide to take the money from Lieutenant Cuddlesworth.