This is a summary of the text:
A person makes sarcastic and critical comments on various scenes from the fifth Harry Potter movie, pointing out plot holes, cliches, inconsistencies, and absurdities. The person mocks the characters, the dialogue, the magic system, and the story logic. The person also inserts references to other movies and shows, such as Lost in Translation, Shawshank Redemption, Eyes Wide Shut, Fight Club, Game of Thrones, and True Detective. The person ends the text by imagining Voldemort offering Harry a magic carpet ride.
Here are the key facts extracted from the text:
1. Harry is sent back to live with abusive relatives.
2. Dementors show up as Harry is about to retaliate against his cousin.
3. Dudley, despite his shape, can keep up with Harry while running.
4. Harry has been able to produce a Patronus before.
5. The Ministry of Magic expels Harry for using magic in the presence of a Muggle.
6. Dumbledore persuades the minister to suspend Harry's expulsion pending a formal hearing.
7. The Harry Potter franchise includes jump scares.
8. Patronuses can be kept on retainer.
9. Lucius Malfoy casts a spell that cannot be deflected by a wicker basket.
10. The Ministry of Magic's intelligence overlooks the presence of Dementors when Harry uses the Patronus charm.
11. The Order of the Phoenix rescues Harry without initially revealing themselves.
12. The Ministry of Magic interferes with Hogwarts School.
13. Sirius risks his life to show Harry a picture.
14. Dumbledore ignores Harry, which affects him emotionally.
15. Umbridge takes over Hogwarts School.
16. The Room of Requirement appears when a person is in need and equips itself for the seeker's needs.
17. Neville discovers the Room of Requirement after being bullied.
18. The Ministry of Magic has a collection of prophecies that can only be retrieved by those about whom they are made.
Please let me know if you need any more information or further assistance!