The text is a transcript of a comedy show by Tom Briscoe, who jokes about his experiences with flying, working, health, family, and pants. He makes fun of his weight, his wife, his boss, and the people he meets in different situations. He ends the show by asking for tips from the audience.
Here are the key facts extracted from the text:
1. The speaker has been married for 35 years.
2. He has two daughters who are proud of him.
3. The speaker's daughters are independent and live on their own, but their parents still subsidize their rent.
4. The speaker has a dog that is a mix of several breeds, including Shetland pony, Clydesdale, German Shepherd, Pitbull, and Rottweiler.
5. The speaker's wife and daughters live with him, making it an all-female household.
6. The speaker travels a lot for his job, often performing on cruise ships.
7. He has worked a variety of jobs, including as a dispatcher, a bartender, and a truck driver.
8. The speaker has been fired from several jobs, including one due to a Christmas party incident.
9. He has two goals for the year: to keep his job and stay out of jail.
10. The speaker's wife is concerned about his health and has been trying to get him to eat healthier.
11. He has to get an annual physical due to his age and insurance requirements.
12. The speaker's wife often accompanies him to the doctor and plays the role of "prosecuting attorney" during the appointment.
13. He has trouble finding pants that fit him, as men's pants are not always cut accurately.
14. The speaker's wife is very particular about what he wears, especially when it comes to special occasions.
15. He is self-conscious about his weight and body shape, especially when trying on clothes in front of his wife.