A possible concise summary is:
The speaker asks different people how Jeffy got a black eye, but they all give absurd and contradictory stories involving baseballs, planes, Godzilla, meteors, and Will Smith. The speaker is frustrated and confused by the lack of answers.
Here are some possible facts extracted from the text:
1. Jeffy has a black eye and he doesn't know how he got it.
2. The police officer punched a kid and a Girl Scout in the face, but not Jeffy.
3. Chef Pee Pee was making a triple chocolate cake and a fly attacked him and gave him a black eye.
4. Cody has a black eye because Junior and Joseph threw baseballs at his face.
5. Goodman has a black eye because a police officer punched him and stole his phone.
6. Brooklyn Guy claims that he saved Jeffy from a plane crash, a meteor, and Godzilla, but Will Smith from Men In Black slapped Jeffy and erased his memory.