The text is a humorous and satirical take on the process of becoming the Pope of the Catholic Church. It outlines a series of steps and requirements, starting from being a Catholic male, to becoming a priest, bishop, cardinal, and finally, the Pope. The process is described as a "corporate ladder" and involves waiting for the current Pope to die or retire, and then convincing two-thirds of the cardinals to select you as the new Pope. The process is lengthy and involves a lot of waiting and bureaucracy, with the final selection being made by the cardinals in the Sistine Chapel. The text ends with a playful note, suggesting that the Pope can name themselves anything they like upon their election.
1. The text discusses the requirements to become the pope of the Catholic Church.
2. The first requirement is to be a Catholic.
3. The second requirement is to be a man.
4. The process of becoming a pope is not like running for office; it's an inside job.
5. The men who select the pope are the cardinals.
6. The last time a non-cardinal became pope was more than 600 years ago.
7. To become a pope, one must first be a cardinal.
8. To become a cardinal, one must first become a priest.
9. Becoming a priest requires a lot of education, usually a college degree in Catholic philosophy and a master's in divinity.
10. To become a priest, one must also be a man, unmarried, and willing to remain celibate.
11. To move onward, one must take the job of the man who just made them a priest.
12. The next step is to become a bishop.
13. Bishops are a much more select group, with only about 5,000 worldwide.
14. To become a bishop, one must wait for a bishop in their area to be forced into retirement at age 75 or die sooner.
15. The list of potential bishops is updated every three years.
16. To be on the list, one must be a pious person, at least 35 years old, have been a priest for at least five years, and have a doctorate in theology or equivalent.
17. The local bishops then give the list to the pope's ambassador for the country, known as the apostolic nuncio.
18. The nuncio picks three priests from the list, does in-depth research on them, conducts interviews, and selects the one he thinks is best.
19. The nuncio sends his report to Vatican City and the congress of bishops.
20. If the congress of bishops doesn't like any of the three candidates, they can tell the nuncio to start over.
21. When the congress of bishops is happy with one of the nuncio's candidates, that name is given to the pope who can reject the candidate and start the whole process over.
22. From vacancy to a bishop's replacement can take months and on occasion years.
23. The penultimate promotion is to become a cardinal.
24. The only way to become a cardinal is to get the current pope to appoint you as one.
25. Once a cardinal, one must wait for the death or retirement of the current pope.
26. The election of a new pope can begin once the cardinals under the age of 80 are brought to Vatican City and isolated from the outside world.
27. The election process involves the cardinals going to the Sistine Chapel to vote four times a day.
28. To become pope, one of the cardinals must get a two-thirds majority.
29. The voting process involves writing down one name on a piece of paper, standing before the altar, and saying a long Latin phrase before officially casting the ballot.
30. The votes are counted and then burned.
31. The record length of the election process is three years.
32. If one eventually wins the support of their fellow cardinals, they have one final thing to do before becoming pope: pick a new name.
33. The final ballots are burned clean to make the smoke turn white and announce to the world that a new pope has been selected.