Here is a concise summary of the provided text:
**Title:** A Comedian's Chaotic Hotel Fire Evacuation Story
**Summary:**
A comedian recounts his experience during a hotel fire evacuation in San Francisco. At 4:30 AM, the fire alarm blares, and he rushes out of his 15th-floor room, grabbing essentials. In the stairwell, he encounters a "river of sleepy travelers," many likely under the influence of sleeping aids like Ambien, moving slowly. Panic sets in as he spots smoke around the 2nd/3rd floor. The situation becomes absurd, with some evacuees seemingly sleepwalking. The comedian contemplates desperate measures to escape quickly. Ultimately, the group reaches safety, only to discover the "fire" was a false alarm triggered by a drunk individual setting off a fire extinguisher. The story ends with the comedian reuniting with his friend Joey Diaz, who nonchalantly reveals he took the elevator to exit the building.
Here are the key facts extracted from the text, excluding opinions, with each fact numbered and kept brief:
1. **Alarm Time**: A fire alarm went off at approximately 4:30 in the morning.
2. **Location**: The incident occurred at the Cliff Hotel in San Francisco.
3. **Floor**: The narrator was on the 15th floor of the hotel.
4. **Alarm Instructions**: The alarm instructed occupants to evacuate immediately and use the stairs, not elevators.
5. **Ambien Usage Statistic**: Approximately 39 million Americans take sleeping pills on a nightly basis.
6. **Stairwell Design**: The hotel's stairwell allowed visibility all the way down, showing the flow of people evacuating.
7. **Smoke Visibility**: Smoke was visible from around the 2nd or 3rd floor while looking down from the 15th floor.
8. **Cause of Alarm**: The alarm was triggered by a group of drunk individuals who set off a fire extinguisher.
9. **No Actual Fire**: There was no actual fire during the incident.
10. **Joey Diaz's Evacuation Method**: Despite instructions, Joey Diaz used the elevator to evacuate the building.
11. **Event Conclusion**: The incident ended with the group learning there was no fire, and they had evacuated unnecessarily.