Here is a concise summary of the provided text, which appears to be a comedic stand-up routine:
**Summary:**
The comedian recounts two airport-related experiences, bookending a story about receiving a jaywalking ticket in Montreal.
1. **Jaywalking Ticket in Montreal**:
* The comedian receives a $37 ticket for jaywalking.
* He engages in a sarcastic exchange with the officer, questioning the quota system and the officer's salary.
* A second, younger officer arrives, and the comedian teases him, implying he's underachieving by issuing jaywalking tickets at 50.
* The comedian claims he won't pay the ticket since it's in Canada, which he jokingly considers not "real."
2. **Airport Antics**:
* The comedian mocks airport security measures, suggesting they're overreacting to past threats (e.g., the liquid bomb attempt).
* He jokes about the absurdity of being screened for "bomb juice" on his hands and pokes fun at the hypothetical scenario of holding a bomb before flying.
* In a final exchange, the comedian sarcastically responds to a security question about his travel purpose, saying he's going to talk about the security personnel in front of strangers.
Here are the key facts extracted from the text, keeping each fact as a short sentence and excluding opinions:
**Jaywalking Incident in Montreal**
1. The narrator received a jaywalking ticket in Montreal.
2. The narrator was with an elderly woman when they jaywalked together.
3. A Montreal cop approached them, speaking in French.
4. The narrator asked the cop to speak in a more familiar language.
5. The cop stated the offense: "You were jaywalking!"
6. The narrator apologized, but the interaction escalated.
7. Three Montreal police officers were involved in the incident.
**Tickets and Fines**
8. The narrator received a $37 ticket for jaywalking.
9. An additional $444 ticket was issued, implied to be for being disrespectful.
**Airport Incident (Separate Event)**
10. At an airport, a 4- or 5-year-old child pretended to shoot the narrator with a fake gun.
11. The narrator responded by pretending to shoot back.
12. The incident involved the child's mother and other bystanders.
**Airport Security**
13. Airport security primarily focuses on restricting liquids and certain items.
14. The narrator was stopped for additional screening, which involved a cloth test on their hands.
15. The test was brief, and the narrator was cleared to proceed.