Here is a concise summary of the provided text, which appears to be a transcript of a comedian's stand-up routine:
**Summary:**
The comedian recounts two main stories:
1. **Jaywalking Ticket in Montreal**: He received a $37 jaywalking ticket from a Montreal cop, which escalated into a $441 ticket for being disrespectful. He mocks the interaction, questioning the cop's salary, and implies the city is broke, leading to over-enforcement of minor infractions.
2. **Airport Security Gripes**: He expresses frustration with airport security measures, likening them to being overly reactive. He jokes about:
* Being "shot" by a child with a fake gun
* The absurdity of liquid restrictions (e.g., bottled water, hypothetical "Snickers bomb")
* A humorous, fictional encounter where he claims to have held a bomb (courtesy of a friend) before being tested at security
**Tone:** Lighthearted, sarcastic, and playful, with the comedian using these anecdotes to poke fun at authority and the quirks of modern life.
Here are the extracted key facts, each with a number and in short sentences, excluding opinions:
1. The narrator received a jaywalking ticket in Montreal.
2. The narrator was approached by a Montreal police officer who spoke in French.
3. The narrator asked the officer to communicate in a language they understood.
4. The officer issued a ticket for jaywalking despite the narrator's apology.
5. Three Montreal police officers were involved in the jaywalking case.
6. The narrator was asked for their ID, which they initially refused to provide.
7. The officer disclosed their salary when asked by the narrator.
8. The narrator was asked about their occupation and income.
9. The narrator received two tickets: one for $37 (jaywalking) and another for $441 (unspecified, but implied to be for being "an [expletive]").
10. The incident occurred in Canada, which the narrator believes makes the tickets "not real" to them.
11. A separate incident occurred at an airport where a child pretended to shoot the narrator with a fake gun.
12. The narrator interacts with airport security, criticizing their focus on banning bottled water.
13. A past airport security screening involved a cloth swab test on the narrator's hands.
14. The narrator jokingly discusses a hypothetical scenario involving "bomb juice" on their hands during airport security screening.