Here is a concise summary of the text:
**Comedian's Hotel Fire Story**
* The comedian (likely Joe Rogan, as hinted in the intro) recounts a hotel fire experience at the Clift Hotel in San Francisco.
* Woken by a loud alarm at 4:30 AM, he initially thinks it's just his clock, then realizes it's a fire alarm with an evacuation message.
* As he rushes to exit via the stairwell (15 floors down), he observes many sleepy, slow-moving people, attributing their state to Ambien use.
* Chaos ensues with people waking up mid-staircase, confusion, and a desire to survive.
* The comedian develops a humorous, desperate plan to escape, focusing on a line-stopping individual as a potential "human shield."
* Ultimately, the group evacuates to discover there was no actual fire, just a fire extinguisher set off by drunk individuals.
* The story concludes with the comedian's friend, Joey Diaz, nonchalantly emerging from the scene, having taken the elevator, and smoking a joint.
Here are the key facts extracted from the text, without opinions, with each fact numbered and in short sentences:
1. **Event occurred at the Clift Hotel in San Francisco**.
2. **The event was a hotel fire alarm**.
3. **The alarm went off around 4:30 in the morning**.
4. **The speaker was on the 15th floor of the hotel**.
5. **The hotel's stairwell was designed for smaller people**.
6. **Guests were instructed to evacuate via the stairs, not elevators**.
7. **Smoke was visible from around the 2nd or 3rd floor**.
8. **Approximately 39 million Americans take sleeping pills nightly**.
9. **The speaker knows someone who takes Ambien every night**.
10. **This acquaintance once prepared and ate a turkey while asleep on Ambien**.
11. **The acquaintance then called the police, thinking someone had broken in**.
12. **The incident was resolved with no actual fire; drunk individuals set off the fire extinguisher**.
13. **Joey Diaz, despite the "no elevators" instruction, used an elevator to exit the hotel**.