The provided dialogue is a series of satirical meetings between a sleazy video game agent and various iconic game characters, including Mario, Sonic, Donkey Kong, and more.
The agent tries to rebrand and modernize the characters to fit current gaming trends, often with ridiculous and humorous results. He pushes for changes such as Mario becoming a plumber, Sonic teaming up with Knuckles, and Donkey Kong getting a new game called "Donkey Kong Country" where he's the protagonist.
Other characters, like Samus and Gordon (from Half-Life), are also subjected to the agent's questionable advice, with Samus being pitched a game where she's disguised as a man and Gordon being told to remain silent and use a crowbar.
The dialogue also features Gex, a wise-cracking lizard, being forced to become a Pokémon and rename himself Charmander, and Johnny Cage trying to avoid a fight with the immortal god of thunder, Raiden.
Throughout the conversations, the agent's focus on profits and current trends is highlighted, often at the expense of the characters' original personalities and traits. The dialogue pokes fun at the video game industry and the ways in which characters are rebranded and repurposed to fit modern gaming tastes.
1. The agent tells Mario that he needs an image overhaul due to the PR nightmare caused by Donkey Kong, Jr.
2. The agent suggests that Mario fight something less human, such as turtles.
3. Mario is initially hesitant, but the agent convinces him by citing polls that show 18-35-year-old males would stomp the life out of a turtle if given the opportunity.
4. The agent advises Mario to become a plumber, as carpenters are seen as too "Jesus-y".
5. Mario is told to break up with his girlfriend Pauline and instead date a celebrity, specifically a princess.
6. The agent represents a princess who would be perfect for Mario.
7. Mario is told that he needs a brother, and the agent introduces Luigi, who initially speaks in a stuffy British accent but then adopts a stereotypical Italian accent.
8. The agent advises Sonic to team up with Knuckles instead of Tails, citing that Knuckles has more attitude.
9. Sonic is initially hesitant but eventually agrees to work with Knuckles.
10. Samus is advised by the agent to wear a mask to conceal her identity and then reveal that she is a woman, which would be a surprise to players.
11. The agent suggests that Samus wear a bikini if the player completes the game quickly, but Samus objects to this idea.
12. Donkey Kong is told by the agent that he is being pulled off the Mario rivalry and instead will star in his own game, Donkey Kong Country.
13. Donkey Kong is paired with a new sidekick, Diddy Kong, who is initially referred to as "Hatty".
14. The agent advises Gordon, the protagonist of the game, to never speak and instead be the strong and silent type.
15. Gex, a character who has been out of work for over a decade, is advised by the agent to become a Pokémon and be part of the Super Smash Brothers game.
16. Gex is renamed Charmander and is only allowed to say the word "Charmander".