The speaker shares their humorous experience with a personal trainer who is described as a "phenomenon" due to their perfect physique. The speaker pokes fun at their own laziness and lack of athleticism, while also making witty remarks about the trainer's instructions and the gym equipment. They also try out other fitness activities like Pilates and yoga, but struggle to keep up and make jokes about the instructors and other participants. Throughout the monologue, the speaker uses sarcasm and self-deprecation to entertain the audience.
Here are the key facts extracted from the text:
1. The speaker has hired a personal trainer to help them get in shape.
2. The speaker's personal trainer is very fit and healthy.
3. The speaker is not in good physical shape and has had three heart attacks.
4. The speaker's personal trainer gives them a series of physical tests, including a stationary bike test and an elasticity test.
5. The speaker has a condition called "bluebird syndrome" that makes it easier for them to break than to bend.
6. The speaker's personal trainer tells them that bread does not make you fat, but rather the way you eat it does.
7. The speaker's personal trainer advises them to avoid certain foods, such as sausage and cheese.
8. The speaker is introduced to new foods, such as rice pancakes, which they do not enjoy.
9. The speaker tries pilates and finds it challenging.
10. The speaker is advised to do activity to restructure their body and improve their alignment.
11. The speaker tries yoga, which they find relaxing, but also falls asleep during the class.
12. The speaker is taught how to breathe properly by their yoga instructor.
13. The speaker finds the relaxation postures in yoga to be helpful.
Note: The text appears to be a comedic monologue, so some of the "facts" may be exaggerated or made for humorous effect.