The text is a humorous commentary on various infomercial products that are deemed useless or misleading. The products include:
1. Shake Weight: a phallic-shaped dumbbell that claims to increase the impact of exercise, but was found to burn fewer calories than walking.
2. Magnascribe Pen: a pen that attaches to a necklace, marketed as a convenient writing tool, but is essentially unnecessary.
3. Toning Shoes: shoes with unusual soles that claim to aid in burning calories and improving balance, but were found to increase the risk of injury.
4. Pasta Pro: a pot with holes in the top for straining water, marketed as a revolutionary kitchen tool, but is essentially a regular pot with holes.
5. Power Bracelet: a wrist accessory that claims to increase physical attributes through "holographic technology", but was found to be a scam.
6. Marriage Blanket: a blanket that claims to protect couples from each other's bodily odors, marketed as a way to save marriages.
7. Euro Club: a golf club with a built-in urinal, marketed as a convenient solution for golfers who need to pee on the course.
8. Sauna Suits: suits that claim to aid in weight loss by making the wearer sweat, but can lead to dehydration and organ failure.
9. Potty Putter: a golf-themed toilet accessory that claims to improve golf skills while using the bathroom, but is essentially a novelty item.
The commentary pokes fun at the absurdity and misleading marketing of these products, warning viewers not to waste their money on them.
Here are the key facts extracted from the text:
1. The Shake Weight is a product that was marketed as a highly suggestive workout tool.
2. The Shake Weight was initially marketed towards women as an oscillating dumbbell.
3. The Shake Weight claims to increase the impact of exercise.
4. The Shake Weight costs nearly $20 plus shipping and handling.
5. In the first year of its release, the Shake Weight made over $40 million for Fitness IQ and its creator, Ben Kunze.
6. Consumer Reports released a study in 2011 that found the Shake Weight routines burned less calories than walking at a reasonable pace.
7. The MagnaScribe pen is a writing tool that connects to a circular cloth worn around the neck.
8. The MagnaScribe pen was marketed to those who are always dropping, breaking, or losing their pens.
9. The pen can be pulled out of its dock to start writing in seconds.
10. The commercial for the MagnaScribe pen makes it seem essential for life.
11. The pen also has a digital clock feature.
12. The Toning Shoes are a type of footwear that claims to aid in burning more calories, improving muscle strength, and bettering overall balance while making walking more difficult.
13. Studies showed that Toning Shoes do not provide the promised benefits and instead increase the risk of injury to the wearer.
14. Consumer Reports revealed in 2011 that Toning Shoes created increased risks of injury, including twisted ankles, muscle tears, and broken bones.
15. The Pasta Pro is a pot with holes in the top for straining water.
16. The Pasta Pro was marketed as a revolutionary way to cook pasta.
17. The Pasta Pro barely decreases the number of dishes to be done after cooking pasta.
18. The Power Bracelet is a plastic wrist accessory that claims to increase physical attributes by wearing it.
19. The Power Bracelet was forced to retract its claims by the Australian Competition and Consumer Commission in 2011.
20. The company behind the Power Bracelet had to apologize and pay around $57 million for false advertising.
21. The Marriage Blanket is a product that claims to protect a marriage from the bodily functions of its users.
22. The Marriage Blanket is made of activated carbon fabric and promises to absorb flatulence.
23. The product costs $29.99 plus shipping and handling.
24. Informa Natural Products was ordered to settle with the Federal Trade Commission's charges and pay $10 million in consumer redress in 2000.
25. The company was found to have misled customers with their products, including Exercise in a Bottle, Fat Absorber, Fat Trapper, and Fat Trapper Plus.
26. The Euro Club is a golf club with a secret pee reservoir.
27. The product is marketed as a solution for golfers who need to urinate on the course.
28. The product requires the user to cover their crotch area with a green towel and urinate into the club.
29. Sauna Suits and Sauna Shorts are products that claim to aid in weight loss by making the user sweat more.
30. The products work by keeping heat in and increasing body temperature, causing the user to sweat.
31. However, the weight loss achieved through these products is temporary and can lead to dehydration and other health problems.
32. The Potty Putter is a bathroom distraction that allows users to practice their golf putting while on the toilet.
33. The product was marketed with a TV commercial that promised to improve the user's golf game and make them healthier.
34. The product costs $19.99 and is now considered a gag gift.